by Astrid Davies | 1 Dec 2017 | Uncategorised
I was battling with some LED Christmas-light macrame and masking tape yesterday, and my teenage son wryly noted “Getting ready for Christmas, then”. It can seem a bit daunting – all that work to get the house prettified; sorting out where the tree will go; buying the tree; making any one of the tree-holders you have bought, in desperation in previous years, to fit this year’s stem; then presents for immediate family; presents for distant family; presents for friends, colleagues, clients … and then there’s the food … oh crikey don’t forget the turkey …
Instead of deciding to be hassled by it all, I simply agreed that I was, and that it would look great. The Teen smiled. In his world, normal annual service has been resumed – traditional music, fairy lights and more chocolate than is healthy. Even when you are a grown up (nearly), these traditions are familiar, soothing and a source of stability in what must be for him a pretty topsy-turvy world.
And that’s the key to many people’s happiness – a few elements which provide reassurance and stability. An additional element is remembering to do what I managed to do yesterday. That is; make the positive choice. I could have moaned about his not helping me, or about the cost of his Christmas list, or how much cooking there would be … Instead, I chose to take a simple and positive stance, which could provide some much-needed reassurance. Reflecting on this, the following day as Advent starts for Christianity-based societies around the globe, I realise that this simple step can unlock so much.
When we feel overwhelmed by situations (real or “catastrophised” from something likely but small into something possible but DREADFUL), we face a range of responses, many of which we are used to taking control of us. How would it be, however, if we could take control of those responses instead? Victor Frankl, the emininent Austrian psychotherapist, wrote
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom
I realise that it’s quite a stretch, from my gnarled Christmas fairy lights to Frankl’s powerful insights. However, the difference between being stressed and negative about a wonderful, generous time of year, and being positive and open to the Season’s possibilities, was simply my exercising my freedom of choice.
I also realise that this may come across as definitely a “First World Problem”. I admit, my remembering to model courteous and positive behaviours for The Teen isn’t going to stop anyone’s world from crumbling. However, each of us, nomatter our wealth, nomatter our faith, nomatter where and what we call home, has key choices to make every day. Every day, we will respond to some situation, some stimulus, which may trigger an immediate response. Sometimes that response may be inclusion; sometimes it may be ambivalence, somethings it might even be rejection.
So, as we begin Advent and the “countdown to Christmas”, and as pressures may start to mount, and someone says or does something which irritates, please try this experiment.
- Stop what you are doing, before you respond
- Breathe deeply
- Think about how your initial response might help the other person and you. If it doesn’t, think of a positive one that would.
- Respond using your chosen helpful response
- Notice the difference it makes to the other person – and to you
Five easy steps which might just stop a family row, or which might prevent a job being lost in the whirlwind of pre-Christmas deadlines. Those steps might also help you to decide that, this Christmastime, you will make a conscious effort to help someone else, someone who doesn’t have what you have. This could be taking in a local isolated older person, or a homeless teenager in a UK city, or it could be donating to support refugees on the other side of the globe.
Whatever you choose, make it a positive choice that helps someone in the way they want to be helped. That’s what the countdown is really heading towards … isn’t it?
If some of the thoughts in this post have struck a chord with you, and you would like to discuss how you can learn to control your responses, please feel free to get in touch with me. This is an issue which many of my clients have faced; you aren’t alone in the sense of overwhelm and helplessness in response. It is an issue which, once you master it, you can really use to your advantage, to help others and yourself whenever you want. Doesn’t that sound better? So … make that positive choice …
Let’s get started on moving you from this …
to this !
by Astrid Davies | 3 Nov 2017 | Uncategorised
“Oh, I can tell you everything there is to know about coaching”, I was told early on in my independent practice. We were at a networking event for professionals. The person telling me he knew so much may have heard a lot about the topic … but to be honest, he didn’t appear to have been listening.
You see, he was behaving throughout the event as if the event was for his personal benefit. He was networking for what he could take from the event and attendees, not how he could work with anyone or even help anyone. If any professionally-trained and qualified leadership coach had ever encouraged him to be so self-absorbed, I would hope they would resign from the professional registers! Not only were his personal behaviours less than ideal, but he was damaging his brand and his business changes with every word. He was not reflecting on his impact, only on his goal.
Coaching will encourage self-reflection, first of all. It works in a landscape defined by honesty, truth and courage. Being coached isn’t easy at first, particularly for busy people who rarely allow themselves time to stop and think about how and for what and whom they work so hard. Many of my clients define their coaching as invaluable “me-time”. Yet this isn’t them being selfish. Far from it. It is, in my experience, evidence that these leaders have been so busy putting people’s interests before their own, that they prize the opportunity to have time to simply stop, think and consider.
Coaching works. It works on different levels, for different people. For leaders, coaching offers crucial time to “put their foot on the brake” and reflect on their actions and impact. Leaders are measured by the impact they make. This is often lost to the leaders themselves in the hurly-burly of everyday business. So an hour with a supportive coach, gently exploring impact and the difference the leader has made, can be important. For some, it can be revelatory!
How Coaching helps a leader
Coaching offers a range of really helpful and positive opportunities for leaders to:-
- understand themselves and their world better
- use a quiet, safe space in a busy schedule to think clearly
- remember their strengths and helps them use them more fully
- explore the opportunities that they have open to them
- focus purposefully on a key goal
- organise their thoughts and actions, to achieve the impact they seek
- re-enter the workplace with renewed purpose, vision and vigour.
Coaching will help the leader think deeply and honestly about what they want to achieve, and the way that they can achieve this to make the best impact possible. This isn’t personal impact necessarily, but the most “win-win” beneficial outcome possible. For some of my clients, they really have “reset their minds” as a result of the reflective practice they have undertaken.
Coaching also offers the time and intellectual and emotional space to consider and revisit value systems, beliefs and motivators. Keeping these refreshed and relevant are crucial to successful leadership.
Experts say …
I don’t expect you to simply take my word for it. After all, as a leader, your time is your money and that is best used for the business, or the family … but why not best used to hone your own leadership craft? Steve Jobs knew a thing or two about innovation, including in leading a successful corporation. His former coach, John Mattone, states:
“Successful executives don’t invest in coaching, they invest in results”
And that’s the key. Coaching frees leaders to think afresh about their work challenges (maybe even their life challenges) and to find new solutions which achieve the results they want. This meets Peter Drucker’s test of leadership – it isn’t about popularity, it’s about results. Although these days that tough-guy approach to leadership is thankfully on the wane, outcomes and delivery to or above target are still at the core of successful leadership.
Academic studies into the efficacy of leadership coaching are still too thin on the ground for my taste. However, a recent and widely cited article* in International Coaching Psychology Review makes a powerful argument in favour of coaching, to bolster leadership behaviours and survival. In the research, leaders reported that coaching helped in five ways:
- It helped them reclaim their self-belief,
- it contributed to their learning,
- it helped them see wider perspectives,
- it provided a supportive relationship, and
- it gave them that all-important thinking space.
So, the list I put together earlier in this article really does match that of independently-verified research.
Another aspect, where my experience matches that of the article’s research findings, is that leaders often came to coaching as the result of facing a challenge. Whether they like it or not, this means that my clients are seeking some form of support and learning in relation to their workplace challenge. Often this involves resilience in change (one of my specialist areas) or simply a need for refreshed self-awareness and leadership skills.
One of the key aspects of this, often implicit, need for support is that having a trusted partner to accompany/support them on their pursuit of their goal (or “journey” if that doesn’t upset you). That’s what the good coach does – walk alongside, neither behind nor in front. Having that trusted partner to share confidential concerns lightens the burden and frees the leader’s mind to focus on solutions.
You may have read this, and thought “I could use some of that support”. Great! That’s the first all-important step – acknowledge the need to act. Next step? ACT! To find out more about the benefit that coaching will bring to your leadership, simply get in touch. Let’s get you started ….
* Lawton Smith, C. (2015). ‘How coaching helps leadership resilience: The leadership perspective’, International Coaching Psychology Review, Vol.10 No. 1, pp. 6-19. ISSN: 1750-2764 .
by Astrid Davies | 4 Aug 2017 | Uncategorised
Lucky, lucky me. Tonight I get to see the fastest man on Earth, running in the IAAF World Athletics Championships in London’s former Olympic stadium. For me it’s definitely the first and probably the last time I will ever see the great man.
Miles of comment have been written about Usain Bolt’s retirement. Many of these pieces have been “end of an era” pieces as if they were obituaries. In fact, Usain Bolt is 30 years old (31 later this month). Not bad to retire at 30 eh?!
Usaine Bolt is not, however, “retiring”. He is simply choosing now as the best time, for him to move on from athletics to the next phase on what is already an illustrious career. As Napoleon Hill said, “Don’t wait, the time will never be just right”. So Mr Bolt is deciding to act, because now is as good a time as any and it feels right to him to do so.
What is less well known is that Brendan Foster CBE is also retiring. He will withdraw from commentating on the world of Athletics after the IAAF World Championships this year. A stalwart of the sport, Mr Foster is unlikely to attract the same length and breadth of commentary, certainly beyond the UK’s shores. However, he will be missed just as much by those of us who grew up listening to him (and watching him race, cough).
What both these retirements show is that people who know their strengths and are confident in their abilities, sense when it is appropriate to move to new opportunities. If either man were to stay doing what they love just a little bit longer, they might falter, be beaten, make an error. For both men, proud and renowned as experts in what they do, that would be a mistake. They would be revealed as fallible and would open themselves up to the criticism which would swoop on them just as fast as any compliment (faster, probably, knowing the UK media), with the clear implication that they were clinging to greatness and in the process being a bit pathetic.
So what can we learn from both these gentlemen’s decision? First, that it is important to do the best that you can do, every time you do anything. Neither would have achieved what they have achieved, without doing that, every day.
Secondly, when you know your trade and ply it expertly, you will know when you have reached the pinnacle … and therefore you will know in your heart of hearts, when the drop on the other side looms.
The third thing we can learn, however, seems to me to be the key point. When you can see the drop on the other side of success, it takes a leap of faith and huge bravery to decide to stop doing what you love. It requires personal strength and commitment to turn your back on the atmosphere, the environment, the people … the adulation. Even in your workplace, be it an office, a factory or the open air, you may have days when you feel superhuman and that you never want leave. However, you may also have days when you dread that workplace, and you feel as if you have been there too long. Whenever you feel either feeling, it is probably time to think about your next challenge.
And, as both these famous sportsmen show, you don’t have to keep on doing what you do, in the same way but simply for another employer. You may find that sitting down quietly over your summer holidays gives you some time to reflect on what you like, what your are good at and what you want to retain about your job. Do that BEFORE you list the hundreds of downsides! Look at that list. Keep coming back to it. How do the words sound, when you say them to yourself? When you have a list of things you really like about your job, take another look and see what of those is a transferable. In other words, focus in on the things on your list which you could, in fairness, find in another place. It’s those things that you could do, if you put your mind to it, in any other arena. It might not be to play for Man’ United (Mr Bolt’s apparent ambition) but it may well be to use your skills and talents in another setting. What is important to you about holding on to the things that make you unhappy in work? What’s the benefit to you of doing so? Not much, I suspect. So what is stopping you focussing on the best bits of your work, the things that make you feel brilliant, the things that make others say great things to and about you?
As Winston Churchill said, “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”. “Retirement” is simply the end of one phase of your life, and the beginning of the next. So is choosing to change your job, or even your career, before an age when retirement is no longer yours to choose. So examine your working life, your work/life balance, your working you. What do you like? What is worth keeping and enjoying but perhaps in new surroundings? What is most important to you in your work? What are the “must haves”? Once you know that, you will be more confident about looking for your next opportunity. And it is an opportunity. It may even be a golden one.
If you would like to discuss any of the issues shown here, please get in touch and let’s discuss your next adventure.
by Astrid Davies | 13 Feb 2017 | Uncategorised
Today is Friday 13th. The day when sailors hesitate to go to sea. The day when the Swedes clear their Christmas trees. What’s so important about this? It evokes tradition, habits, and beliefs. Habits and beliefs are the things that will help you to achieve your goals, but they can also be the things that can get in the way.
We are 13 days into the New Year so how are your Resolutions doing? A year ago, I posted about the benefits of having faith in yourself and resolving to be constant to your ambitions. One year on, I wonder how many of you reading this will have actually done the most recycling you will have done all year – recycling the weight loss / smoking / exercise / new job / see friends more standard Resolutions which many people pick year, after year, after year. Very good to choose to act. Not so good when you don’t.
Habits are crucial in changing behaviours. “Practice makes perfect” for coaches often changes into “practice makes permanent”. In other words, repeat the changed behaviour often enough, frequently enough, to make it stick and feel like it has always been what you do.
Practice when I was a child meant endless hours of piano scales. Dull, cold (unheated room), out of tune piano … pretty grim. Add to that parents who would repeatedly ask me what the tune was, and you can see that this sort of “practice” was not going to get me anywhere meaningful. In other words, there were far too many barriers. Add to that that I really didn’t care whether I could play like Oscar Petersen or not (oh HOW I wish I could now, of course) and you have the demotivational cocktail from hell. Let’s convert this to the work environment. You don’t like the job, and your boss doesn’t thank you or acknowledge when you do a good job – even if it saves the firm money or embarrassment. Now they make you learn a new software package and you have to do it in your own time, just so the firm can make more money… maybe you can see some parallels? So … how are your habits helping you? They aren’t, obviously. That is because you are repeating the negativity, every day, reminding yourself that you are unhappy and unfulfilled.
So, how would it be if you were motivated to do one thing differently? What that could be is up to you. However, the key question is: “What would make you motivated to change?”. Maybe you have found a way to get some perspective and you simply decide that enough is enough. Maybe someone close to you has helped you prioritise your life – sadly this often is triggered by a close personal loss. Maybe you want something (holiday, home etc) which will need you to have more money than you do now, and you want it so much it would make it worth the extra hard work to change, and be more positive about things – anything – everything. That positivity is essential – people are motivated to achieve positive things because, simply put, their brains will make it happen for them if they already believe it to be happening. Self-kidding, really … but it works!
So, having found the motivation, you need to find a way to keep practising your changed behaviour until it becomes part of you. And this is where the beliefs kick in. You need to look at your beliefs – what you value, what you believe to be important, what you believe to be true. What shaped your belief system? What do you hold dear – and what makes those values and beliefs so important to you? How many of them have you actually considered? How many of them are inherited, from family, friends, people you admire? It’s important to understand what is shaping how you attach value to thoughts and actions. Without that understanding, you will find it more difficult to remember to repeat the changed behaviour. Without that, you may not actually find it easy to want to change. And if you don’t want to change, you won’t.
When we look at the beliefs around today’s date – “Friday 13th” – they conjure up negative imagery. There’s even a horror movie with the theme. However, despite people attaching negative connotations to the date, they all know that, really, there isn’t any substance to that set of thoughts. They are superstitions. And superstitions are, generally, thoughts that we know, deep down, aren’t guaranteed to be true. The same goes for your own negative beliefs. Henry Ford (among others) is credited with the phrase “If you think you can, and you think you can’t, you’re right”. In other words, your thoughts have a huge influence on how you act, and how you view your actions. So, it stands to reason that thinking you can’t will result in failure. “I can’t go for promotion because ….”, “I am always going to stay fat …”. Hardly inspiring and motivational, are they? Yet if we turn them around, and start those thoughts in a positive vein, they are a bit different. “I can go for promotion, and there are some steps I need to take to get there”, “I am losing weight and if I want to lose it faster, I can …[take more exercise etc]”.
Turning negatives into positives is a great way to start to challenge your own long-held beliefs. It can feel a bit like a pointless parlour game. However, if you KEEP challenging the long held negatives with relentless positivity (the new habit), it will start to feel real, true and very, very doable. It takes time and effort, but is really worth it. The sense of satisfaction that comes from taking action based on your own positive choices takes some beating, I promise you.
Maybe you have read this and think “Hhmmm – but I can’t”. If you did that, please go to the top and read it again … because YOU CAN. You may not get the Seychelles beach or the loft apartment straight off, but you can move towards having them – by changing your habits and challenging your negative beliefs/superstitions.
Maybe you have read this and think “Hhmmm – I would like to, but I don’t know where to start”. In that case, simply get in touch to chat through your options with a professional experienced coach. You have nothing to lose but a few clicks on a website and maybe a brief Skype chat, and oh so very much to gain.
by Astrid Davies | 9 Feb 2017 | Uncategorised
The past few weeks have been challenging for the green movement around the world, because of one man’s actions. He won’t be named in this article, because publicity feeds his actions. I think, however, you know who I mean … This is a short piece to remind colleagues working so hard, keeping our planet alive and well, that this is too important to be wiped away by an ego or two, and that, by keeping making clear progress, every day, we will prevail.
You may be feeling that you need to make a stand against what is happening to environmental policymaking. You may be feeling hopeless when you see “dirty” projects re-introduced by force. These are both valid points of view, but perhaps the most important consideration is the end-game. What will those emotions do to help you, to help the environmental agenda to flourish? For many, anger and indignation move very fast from a force for good, to become a destructive force which blinds us to the wider implications. On the other hand, feelings of powerlessness remove our confidence and belief that “we can”, after all. Neither of these stances is actually productive or helpful, no matter how understandable it is.
There is a fable that the Scottish King, Robert the Bruce, watched a spider repeatedly fail to climb a thread and build a web. He then watched as, through dogged perseverance, the spider built a web, a means of survival, and a thing of beauty. This is often used as a metaphor, alongside the saying “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. What this doesn’t take into account, however, is whether Robert the Bruce was hampering the spider, moving its silk, damaging its web building. For it is easy to be daunted when your hard work and good intentions can be cast aside with apparently cavalier disregard, or even actively hampered or prevented.
While you are reading this, you may find yourself feeling a little sad, deflated, irritated even. These things are SO big and SO important, what does a silly fable about an arachnid have to do with it? It’s simple. It’s an illustration of the pure power of keeping on, keeping on. There is a movement around the world, moving toward clean energy, clean fuels, cleaner ways of living. That is because humans need that to survive. Air quality and toxin-related mortality are big news driving big self-interested changes – the world’s politicians just don’t shout about it. This comes about from evidence-based research, data, scientific fact. Look at China if you doubt this works. Even deniers have come to accept the facts (and no I don’t mean the “alternative” kind) – the trouble is that they aren’t always taken seriously by a minority. And that is surely the point – they ARE a minority. OK they are a powerful minority, but their power will be transitory. “All things must pass” and, when they do, those of us backing green will still be here, working away to prove the benefits of clean, sustainable fuels and materials for our everyday lives. We will still be here, harnessing solar. We will still be here, rejecting packaging at the point of sale so retailers have to find a way to cope with it. We will still be here, proving that humans CAN make a collective change for good. And that’s the small-beer consumer angle. Those of you reading this involved in cutting-edge clean tech, clean energy and the wider sustainability industry know how much you are doing and how big a difference you are making. Believe it. You really are, and billions of us are grateful that you do.
So, when it gets touch, what CAN you DO, to help yourself to keep on, keeping on? First of all, you can make the choice to keep on. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? However, deciding to keep doing something which is being challenged and undermined is not always easy. It is always brave. ‘though. So make the decision to keep on with the support you give to green in all its guises. Choose bravery.
Next, you can focus on how that bravery, your green choices, make you feel. Focus on the benefits your choices bring to you and those you care about, right now. Don’t think about the distant future when you are considering your own motivation. Deal in the “now”. What is it that is making you burn with energy and passion? What is it that you are working for? What is so important about that to you, right now? Really identify what it is that motivates you, and appreciate quite how much you want to achieve success in your aims. You may want to consider how this is shaping your life goals, and really decide what your realistic life goals would be like when you have achieved them. How would that success be for you?
A key thing that we coaches always work with our clients to do is write it all down. Journal. Keep a log. Keep an online diary. Draw a mindmap. Build a visionboard. Whatever it takes for you to record your passion and what motivates you, so that it can keep motivating you, every day. Share it if it would help to motivate and focus you. Use it at home, use it at work. Dr Stephen R Covey taught us “Start with the end in mind”, so always keep your aims in focus. That way, you always know that you are heading in the right direction, whatever you do.
When you have written down or created your record of what is driving you on, the obvious (but often forgotten) next crucial element, is to look at it. Every day. If you need to change your life goals and motivations a little, then go ahead. Just don’t forget to write down a new log / diary note / mindmap / visionboard. Refer to it often and take a moment to reconnect with what you are about, what you are doing, and why. That moment of reflection in every day is what sets leaders and successful people apart. It is what enables them to drive on, despite the rocks in the road, toward their goals because they believe, they truly know, that they will prevail. This is how you will prevail.
There are a lot of additional steps that could be thrown into the mix, but this simple daily discipline will keep you focused on what is driving you on, and the benefit of that for yourself, and those around you. It is wonderful to have your motivation as a philanthropic, arms-wide-open, world goal. It simply isn’t deliverable on a small scale, every day. You may be working towards that massive goal, but remember to take every day as your brave step toward success. Small steps forward are worth every setback. You know what forward feels like. You know what you will see when you achieve your personal milestone. By reading this, you also have a handy reminder that knowing and feeling are all great, but actually doing is crucial too – and then reviewing the “do”. Regular practice makes a habit. Make purposeful progress your habit, by keeping on, keeping on every day.
I hope that this simple routine outline has been helpful as a reminder that small progress, even in the face of a lot of opposing “noise”, is still progress, is still valid, and is really helping. We will all get there, because we have to. Know that your work is prized by those of us who want a decent world for our children and their children. Thank you for all you do.
